Journal Entry: 10/28/05

Daily Ritual

Over the past month, I've been extremely active on the personal ritual front.

For the most part, I've done twice daily worship. It hasn't been perfectly twice-daily, I admit: some days I fall asleep on the couch. Others, in front of the TV or with a book. Such things happen.

But as I look at my life today, I'm happy. Sure, some things are wrong, some things are bad, but those things are a million miles away. Mere trouble on the horizon for me.

I feel suddenly stronger.

I don't mean just physically, spiritually, or emotionally. Everything seems stronger. I am awake, alive, and pushing back at the boundaries that closed me in.

I am not ready to push through walls yet, but I am slowly pressuring back.

My will is stronger today. I can see things I want again, and am rapidly approaching a desire to reach for them. I feel as if I actually can handle certain things I could not before.

I am stronger spiritually. In an area of my life that I did not feel was lacking, I have grown amazingly. I feel a stronger connection to the Gods, a stronger connection to my Grove, and an amazing connection to the community at large. There is so much for me to give back with, and so much to give back for.

I am stronger mentally. I find problem-solving easier due to a clearer head, a sense of priority, and a feeling of worth that I seem to have associated with my intellect. Confidence in my mind has never been high, but today it is.

I feel stronger socially. My friends have taken amazing care of me recently, and received very little in return. Sometimes, your truest friends only show themselves when they're needed, but they always show themselves then. I've learned that some friends are simply amazing, and have been hiding right out in the open for a long time.

I find myself stronger physically. I have never exercised a lot, but I have re-gained about ten or fifteen pounds, and my ribs are no longer visible when I take off my shirt. I don't find myself winded at the top of the stairs, and I can toss boxes around with ease. I would recommend adding exercise to any daily worship ritual. It's exhilarating, and it creates a beautiful connection you cannot find any other way.

I know I am stronger emotionally. I'm becoming more comfortable with simple physical contact, and I don't worry about how my relationships will turn out. I'm able to flirt and smile again, and wink across the room at a cute girl again. I'm secure in what's going on inside me, even if I don't actually understand it. I can think in terms of simple beauty and strong attachment again, something I haven't thought about in months. The need that I felt is no longer so close, no longer so scary.

In short, strength is today's gift. Strength, of course, is freedom.

Jimmy, there's still so much to be done.

I think about you when I'm countin' sheep
I think about you then I can't sleep
I think the ocean is just so deep
That's my window on the world

Could you stand a little closer, girl?

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