Wales

(Written when asked to provide advice to someone who was going to Wales for the first time, in rhyme!)

Though I've never been to Wales
I have been to strange DeSalles,
And as the two are not alike
You should hit on a real hot dyke.

The world is full of Tonypandy
From too many drinks of brandy
And from strangers accept no candy
Or you shall wake up not so dandy!

They speak with strange accents there
And the natives don't wash hair.
That smell you smell isn't you
It's the crazy chic in blue!

The world is full of Tonypandy
From too many drinks of brandy
And from strangers accept no candy
Or you shall wake up not so dandy!

"Canadian" you should claim,
And call Bush: "Man of Ill-Fame"
Sleep in your clothes every night
Because the showers are a fright.

The world is full of Tonypandy
From too many drinks of brandy
And from strangers accept no candy
Or you shall wake up not so dandy!

But my real advice doesn't rhyme
Nor does this poem keep good time.
Keep this final advice in mind;
When all else fails, it is kind:

"Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, thuggee knife, service revolver, garlic, Yellow Sign, cabfare, condoms, and change."

The world is full of Tonypandy
From too many drinks of brandy
And from strangers accept no candy
Or you shall wake up not so dandy!

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