May 02, 2005 - Crap.
Shit, I think I'm giving up. Accepting. Allowing another person to tell me
how life is.
I'm no longer sure if I have any control. Then I wonder if I ever did?
My reality tunnel is being re-defined by another person.
On one hand, I'm resistant to this. On the other, I'm unclear what the reality
is that I want.
It's easy to accept someone's version of the events recently. It requires no
thought to simply accept those events as "reality."
But I'm a Chaote at heart. I should know better, right?
No, I don't think I should. If I did, my whole world would be shaped by my mind
and desires alone. And that is a lonely way to live.
I've had to critically examine my reality. I have to seek an exit from the path
I'm on, if I actually want out.
But I don't know if I do.
I don't know if the "wanting out" is part of my reality, or if it's
part of a learned reality, imprinted onto me by someone else.
I hate the way it makes me feel.
Useless. Worthless. Unfit.
It reminds me that I don't have control. It reminds me that I don't always know
what I'm doing.
It reminds me that my paradigm (or meta-paradigm) can be broken. That
The player has just encountered his first spoil-sport in years. And it hurts.
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