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May 02, 2005 - Crap.

Shit, I think I'm giving up. Accepting. Allowing another person to tell me how life is.

I'm no longer sure if I have any control. Then I wonder if I ever did?

My reality tunnel is being re-defined by another person.

On one hand, I'm resistant to this. On the other, I'm unclear what the reality is that I want.

It's easy to accept someone's version of the events recently. It requires no thought to simply accept those events as "reality."

But I'm a Chaote at heart. I should know better, right?

No, I don't think I should. If I did, my whole world would be shaped by my mind and desires alone. And that is a lonely way to live.

I've had to critically examine my reality. I have to seek an exit from the path I'm on, if I actually want out.

But I don't know if I do.

I don't know if the "wanting out" is part of my reality, or if it's part of a learned reality, imprinted onto me by someone else.

I hate the way it makes me feel.

Useless. Worthless. Unfit.

It reminds me that I don't have control. It reminds me that I don't always know what I'm doing.

It reminds me that my paradigm (or meta-paradigm) can be broken. That it's imperfect.

The player has just encountered his first spoil-sport in years. And it hurts.


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