Liturgy Practicum 1: Domestic Cult Practice in ADF, Question 4, Entry 11
Week beginning 10/23/06 - Prayer, and Rescheduling a Life
I have not often written prayers to Esus. I am not sure why this is.
Perhaps it is because I don't see a deep need for set prayers to him, or perhaps I mostly feel like he is always listening. I'm not sure.
Today, though, I feel a lack of prayer for Esus, and it is cold and empty in my soul where that prayer should be.
A goal for Wednesday night was to create a set prayer for Esus. I figured he deserved that at least.
Oddly, though, I did not write a prayer. I spent the evening in front of my altar, and found that emptiness filled there.
I had a realization this week: the sunrise and sunset devotionals, a form of worship I've been so proud of,, have suddenly gotten into the way of things.
I no longer spent any time in front of my personal altar because sunrise and sunset bookend the day so closely. Because of this, my altar has been dark for over a week while I have sought to balance my mundane and religious life.
I have decided to abandon the current model of sunrise/sunset devotions and move back to morning and evening devotions, while maintaining sunrise and sunset prayers.
To me, it is an opportunity to maintain my altar practice and also my religious obligations to the dawn ant he night, Usas and Ratri.
Usas and Ratri may end up in my prayers at my altar, still. I expect that, once dawn moves back away from the time I need to be at work, I can again incorporate Usas. And once Ratri moves away from from my drive home, I can once again incorporate her into my evening devotions. [ed. note, 6 months later: I re-started devotions on February 27, 2007, both sunrise and sunset, which was longer than I expected to wait]
With this formula, too, I might be able to add Surya to a solar noon prayer.
You know, in case my life wasn't complicated enough.
I realize, as I read that last sentence, that it could be argued that I am attempting to drown my world in religion, to break away from the physical and possibly to escape the mundane. All the classic hallmarks of such behavior are here. Am I becoming world-denying?
I don't think so, myself.
I think that my life went too long with a distinct lack of religion as "primary" in my life. In 2005, I was beginning to relegate it to a "second place" behind my girlfriend. It was approaching that when she broke up with me.
After that, I placed my love life before everything, playing and enjoying it, deepening that aspect. In the process, I found love again in a variety of forms.
But love did not and does not make me happy.
It is possible that no one has seen me since May of 2005, except perhaps one or two people. I admit, I wonder if the man so many people have interacted with even exists?
Centrally, I am starting to see that what I did after my breakup, I re-built the wrong part of myself. Instead of losing myself in my religion, I moved into deepening interpersonal relationships. While I don't regret the time spent on those relationships, I see now that they were not the reight place for me to focus.
Relationships should have been the last things I was concerned with.
So now, I spend a lot of time figuring out where I was going.